And now, we begin again...

I was certainly not expecting to find this "ghost" sitting here waiting, as I hacked back into my blog that has been dormant since tragedy rocked our world over 5 years ago. 

Honestly though, as I re-read this now, and reflect on the timing, it doesn't surprise me even the slightest. How do you suddenly pick back up on something like this after being away for half of a decade... when truly more life has happened then you can even believe, let alone explain. 

Answer: By finding a post still sitting in "draft form" that should have been shared many, many years ago.

We are coming up on Henry's due date, which is always a difficult time for me - as I think back to the joy surrounding that day when we first found out he was coming, then the dread that date has held since the moment he left. I remember shutting down mentally and emotionally around this time, settling into a person I was never created to be, I lost myself and embarked on a battle over the following years to find myself again. And we are currently shifting into a completely NEW season of life for the first time since. 

There has been so much life that has happened, heartache, joy, growth, change, and everything in between over these last 5 years - which I will go into later. But for now, I believe publishing today what must have been divinely delayed and forgotten about, will release the power, foundation and launching pad for this new season of life. Sometimes you just have to go back to the "beginning" of when everything changed - because the truth is, if you knew me 5 years ago, and haven't been actively, presently and authentically involved in my life, you probably don't know me now. 

Let's get real, I am not even the same person right here in this moment that I was 6 months ago... A new level of freedom is happening. A new season of self-reflection, self-discovery and self-love.

For now: Let me honor "us" 5 years ago, in October 2014, and officially "publish" what the world needs to read, to ensure our story is completely connected as we go forward in this journey. I haven't changed a thing below in the text I wrote, nor the content on this blog; you will get to see the evolution first hand as I begin updating, editing the blog (introducing our 4 year old son!) and getting you all up to speed from there. 

Our Henry's life is so incredibly purpose-filled that even now, his very creation, set Mommy up for a new season of life by sharing his story with the masses and offering perspective on healing, hope and love.

................................................................................................................

{Better Days Are Coming}

5 months ago, our lives were changed forever. Never did I think we would lose a child. It was a nightmare come to life. But through this dark season, there has been growth and new perspective cultivated in my life. 

Before I begin this message, I want to get any readers up to speed who weren't aware of the loss of our son, Henry Alan Stone.

This is the post we shared with family and friends on May 10th.

"Henry Alan Stone - Born (Stillborn) May 6th, 2014 at 23 weeks, 14 ounces & 11 inches.

We have taken a few days to allow reality to sink in and God to cover us with His comfort and grace. It is with sorrowful hearts that we share with you all that we lost our son. I hadn't felt Henry move for a couple days so last Monday morning we went in to get him checked out. The ultrasound revealed no heartbeat. They induced labor that evening and I delivered our beautiful baby boy 17 hours later. We were able to spend a few hours loving, praying over and saying our temporary goodbye's which will be some of the most cherished memories of our life. Thank you, Jesus, for conquering death so we can see him again one day soon....

We appreciate all of the love, support and prayers we have received over the last few days with those we have shared this news with and sincerely thank you for continuing to keep us and our family in mind as we walk out this path before us. God is good, God is forever faithful."

The message to family and friends May 13th

"The outpouring of love has been incredible the last several days. I can't believe a week has already gone by; today is a hard day. Our sweet Henry was loved deeply not only by us but so many others as well. I know there are many hearts grieving over this loss and I want you to know that we are praying for you all through this season as well... it is okay to cry for yourself, for Henry and for us. We are not the only ones who need to be covered by the Lord's grace and mercy. And I can promise you now, you will receive it. In Jesus' name.

I have been filled with humility by the kind and heartfelt things that have been said, but, the strength you see is not my own. I wish I could say that I am that strong. I'm not. My faith stands firm and my heart is filled with hope because I have learned to put my confidence in God's grace, not in my own strength, because it will never be enough. When devastation occurs it is so easy to resort to seeing through our natural eye and not the eternal. I have cried out to my God with many questions, anguish and disappointment, feeling abandoned. Because of His promises and goodness He has revealed His everlasting presence, even when I was choosing not to feel Him. He has never left my side. Here is the truth, I know the plans I have for my life and the dreams in my heart but I know that God has bigger plans with more prosperity, love and happiness than I could ever dream of myself, which is where my hope and comfort lies. I have come to realize that we can do nothing of eternal value in our own ability. And there is so much peace to be found in that.

Our baby angel, Henry Alan, is in the best hands possible. He will never know anything but perfect love and joy and that helps to heal our broken hearts. God Bless you all. We love you."

It's even hard to read now as I paste it into the body of this blog but this is our reality. It has taken me some time, going back and forth about if I really wanted to post a blog about this, what I would say, what there was to say, if I was ready, if I would ever be ready but then I realized -- there will never be a perfect time to write the words that have been put on my heart.

I read a quote several days ago that haunted me when I read it. I haven't been able to get the words of Pastor Rick Warren out of my mind... I realized that it was because it was a powerful truth. 

"Your greatest ministry will likely come from your deepest pain."

Those aren't words you want to read while you are still working through the grieving process. Yet, they didn't sting, instead they instilled a certain "high" in my soul. I realized that there were many things that we experienced through this process that were hard, that hurt, that didn't make sense, that anyone who had never dealt first hand with what we were going through could even come close to relating to. That is a difficult place for us, the ones a midst this hurricane to be, but I realized it was just as hard, for different reasons, for everyone on the outside. Which is where this message begins...

People don't know what they don't know. You cannot blame them for that. When people hear "still-birth" I believe a vast majority of people don't truly understand what that means. 

A stillbirth is a birth of a baby that has died in the womb after 20 weeks of pregnancy.

You give birth to your child.

Your body either goes into labor on its own or you are induced, like I was. Your body begins contractions and starts the laboring process just as you would giving birth to a live child. This is an extremely emotional and traumatic experience. I was in labor with Henry for 17 hours. But instead of this time being filled with anxiety and excitement to greet your child into this world, it is filled with fear and pain knowing you will meet them, only to say goodbye. Never hearing their laugh, never seeing their smile, never getting to play out with them the plans and dreams you had been creating in anticipation for their life.

After delivery your body believes it has a baby to care for. You still have to heal and allow your body to recover and then a day or so later your milk comes in. Insult to injury. Besides being extremely painful, you are reminded every second of the day for the following week or so that your body is trying to provide for a baby that isn't there...

Your hormones are a mess, you are trying to heal and make sense of it all and on top of the emotional madness you realize that life goes on... it is continuing to happen all around you. That makes for some hard days. Because while your world is standing still and people are "sad" for a moment... they may hold their family closer that day, give thanks for the life they have and say they are sorry for what happened to you - their lives continue. Good things, bad things, little things, big things and you are still stuck in the stillness. 

While it hurts, it is a good place to be. 

"Be still and know that I am God."

Psalm 46:10

"The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still"

Exodus 14:14

However, after the initial sadness people feel for you, a discomfort grows. This is where my message gets important. I know not every parent will feel this way, but I believe there are more than less that feel this way.

We WANT to talk about Henry.

As hard as it is to think about, it DID happen.

It matters to us when people ASK how we are doing.

It is uncomfortable.

People, by nature, want to have the perfect words, the healing message, etc...

The truth will always remain as this.

There are NO WORDS.

God is the only one who can heal in moments like this. 

Surface level conversations hurt.

I want our son to be HONORED and REMEMBERED and CELEBRATED.

I don't want him to be a "hush, hush" topic that no one brings up because it is uncomfortable for them. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. That is how relationships grow and bonds are created. We have to experience life together. 

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; and mourn with those who mourn."

Romans 12:15-16

It is easy to celebrate with people when life is good. But when life is hard for you, it is harder to rejoice with others. Additionally, when life is good for you, it is harder to mourn with those who are hurting.  

So this scripture and message from me is this. Do those things most, best and deepest when it is not easy to do. When it is uncomfortable. That is when I truly believe people grow. I rejoice with others when I don't have great things happening in my life. I mourn with others when I couldn't complain about a thing. This is life, my friends. This is the experience, the ride, the moment in time that we were called for. 

As we were going through this I had a dear friend also going through some very difficult times in her life. I was praying for her and thinking of her and when we were finally able to speak on the phone a few days after we lost Henry I wanted to hear about how she was doing. She tried to down play the hardships and pain she was experiencing because in her mind, what I was enduring was so much more than her trial. 

Can I remind you all of this?

Trial is trial, hurt is hurt, hardship is hardship. 

Everyone of us is going through life together. We need each other, we need compassion, we need empathy, we need boldness and prayer. 

Yes, my hardship was the worst thing I have ever experienced, however, it doesn't give me permission to stop loving or caring for others. 

I feel like I was all over the place with this, but I figure I can wrap it up with my favorite things. Bullet points.

When someone is experiencing tragedy the best thing for you to do is this"

• Don't try to find the perfect words, there are none. Simply love them, check in on them, ask them if they want to talk about it and listen. 
• Pray for them. In private or with them. In person, over the phone, through an email - but pray. God will work in us while he is delivering them through their season.
• Don't act like it didn't happen. Don't avoid the topic. Don't talk about the weather - while it may seem less awkward for you, it feels cold to them.
• Be compassionate. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right way or wrong way, simply YOUR way.
• It is okay to cry and hurt with them. You don't need to apologize for getting emotional. Every single one of us, in the core of our being, cries for what God cries for, loves what God loves and hates what God hates. You are closest to Him when you are overtaken by emotions in times like this -- when you hurt for others and with others.

We have had incredible support through this and I have spoke to so many of you about this already. This is something that society needs to get better at and the only way to do that is for people to be transparent, vulnerable and willing to get uncomfortable for the sake of others.

We all have plans for our lives, expectations and hopes of how things will turn out. Ultimately, we can only control so much and learn from the things that are out of our control. We live in a fallen world filled with sin. When unexplainable tragedy happens, we want to blame God. But we must remember that He doesn't cause these things to happen, but He does make beauty from the ashes through refinement, growth and deliverance. That is why even when you feel like you are living hell on earth and your dream are shattering you can still lift your head up in the morning, be filled with grace and mercy and begin a new walk of hope and faith. We cannot fathom what our Father has planned for us - it is all good things. Our only job is to love, lead people to know Him and walk by faith.